insouciance.

2008-07-13T11:07:00.001+08:00

Ok i'm such a blog-hopper, but i'm moving. Again.

http://thelittlebluebook.blogspot.com

2008-06-22T11:39:00.003+08:00

I guess the reality of something so impossible happening has kind of sunk in and i feel, YAY. =)

Thank God.

For this, and for a much clearer mind to help me with this decision.

Ok so now's the signing-up-for-camps period, and part of me is terrified that after such a long break from any sort of major social event, i'll be socially handicapped and unable to keenly participate in mindless rah-rah and sinister SDU schemes to increase Singapore's pathetic birthrate and even more pathetic ranking in that durex survey.

JC that time still can bluff us with all those "Say T! Say TJ!" hype. Now, I will not voluntarily eat an oreo off someone's upper thigh, especially if the said upper thigh is sweaty (highly likely after days of camp) and hairy (also highly likely in an SDU-sponsored camp. or in any camp, actually). Even if it is done in the name of bonding.

And i'm still dreading the idea of shared toilets.

I'm such a worrywart.

2008-06-18T14:20:00.002+08:00

After weeks of waiting, and disappointment, and more waiting, and finally resigning to fate, ntu finally, finally offered me mass comm. I was gloomily logging in, all ready to accept english lit, albeit rather grudgingly, when "communication studies" happily popped out in front of me. I had to log in again two more times to make sure it wasn't some technical bleep.

And, oh man, i'm horrible. now i don't even feel as happy as i expected to be. I'm still waiting for my nus appeal and if i get it, its another dilemma all over again. Everyone says to go with your interest. What if you have two interests? What if your decision not only affects yourself but the people around you?

Its a huge headache, all this uni stuff.

I could be flying off to hk again next week, but there's just too many things to settle. i'm already having withdrawal symptoms - i miss the cold night breezes, the view of the tree with the red leaves from my uncle's apartment, the deja vu i get when i see places that i saw before on some tvb drama, and of course, H&M, citigate outlets, the $2 tvb drama serials and all the crazy shopping that would put GSS to shame.

meanwhile, i'm trying to satiate myself with more tvb marathons.

2008-05-19T21:44:00.002+08:00

Apparently, people who put all C's in the mass comm mcq test got in. People who give attitude to the professors got in. People with results not much better than mine got in.

Mind you, i'm talking about the same person.

There is no justice in this world. I want to stab myself in the knee.

2008-05-18T15:52:00.004+08:00

life is one hell of an irony.

for interviews that i spent days preparing for, printing out pages and pages of my portfolio, giving mildly intellectual comments that made the profs look suitably impressed - i didn't get in.

for interviews that i went in completely bo chap, forgetting my portfolio, telling them that this wasn't my first choice, talking about audrey hepburn, complaining about the damn ex cab ride there, and worst of all, made the prof reel in shock when i told him bluntly that my only A was a fluke - i got in.

my letters finally arrived from nus and ntu, but unfortunately, both courses are not what i want and i'm feeling even more lost than i felt in my previous letter-less state.

2008-05-09T18:59:00.002+08:00

I'm still deciding if i should go for tmr's architecture/industrial design interview at nus. =(

I have zero interest in it.
On one hand, considering i haven't received ANY bloody letters so far, i feel like being kiasu and grabbing whatever opportunity i can to get into the uni. I can always transfer courses, right?
On the OTHER hand, considering WHAT the test involves i.e. building some flimsy contraption out of construction paper, i don't want to go there and watch my model fall apart while i walk to the front to present it. I don't know what they're thinking, can't they just do a good old-fashioned interview and stop there?
AND. You know how nus tries to push people out of those insanely popular courses by giving you your 2nd choice. What if I get pushed out of fass?!
But if i just don't go, what if it reflects badly on me and they just decide to reject me in every course?

Why the hell did i even put that as one of my choices anyway?!

My hopes dwindle as the days pass without a trace of a letter in my postbox.

2008-05-01T12:19:00.001+08:00

WHY IS EVERYONE RECEIVING ACCEPTANCE LETTERS FROM THE COURSES I WANT, EXCEPT ME??????!!!!!!!!!! ='(

2008-04-27T22:58:00.005+08:00

the ntu website said that it's sending out letters in batches from late april to early june.

yep, so i'm supposed to run out to my postbox in eager anticipation everytime i hear the postman's motorcycle, for an entire month? and i thought one weekend was bad enough. how long does it take them to send out those bloody letters anyway?

and since smu hasn't contacted me, and people are already receiving acceptance letters from smu soc sci, i don't know why the hell am i even bothering to study for sats.

i'm imagining an illustrious career of multi-level marketing and a lifetime of selling tupperware.

2008-04-26T11:45:00.003+08:00

oh @#%$&*#. acceptance/rejection letters are all winging towards us like harry potter's prefect badge and i want to camp right below my postbox in prayerful meditation, grab the letters from the postman the next time he comes with a deranged ferocity, and if there's any hint of a ntu crest on any envelope, i will rip it open with trembling fingers and unveil my Fate.

but since i'm unable to do that, i'm resigned to sitting grouchily at home, knowing that everything culminates in that one piece of paper that's currently being processed in spore post right now. i don't feel like going out, and i don't even have the mood to carry on with my 2-week tvb-drama marathon, cuz its difficult to be immersed in other people's soap-opera lives when mine is hanging in the balance.

i don't know why i'm so sick with worry, and i realise how much i really want to be accepted by them, and if i'm not, my heart will irrevocably shatter into a million pieces i'll spend the rest of eternity trying to retrieve.

i think i'm studying too much sats vocabulary and watching too much tragic dramas.

2008-03-27T23:13:00.006+08:00

bloody hell.

you know, prcs are practically the modern-day nazis in asia - everyone hates them. that cancer-stricken ntu prc scholar whom no one wants to donate money to; how in hongkong, even generous people won't give a single cent to a beggar upon learning he's from mainland china.. even in school lah, who isn't laughing at every prc scholar's high socks and chest-level pants? and we all feel sorry for them, bearing the burnt of all this xenophobic behaviour...

but sometimes, you can't blame people for doing so.

i had an encounter with a completely ghastly prc today at tuition. yes, fine, i marked a question wrongly on her precious daughter's homework. you tell me, which teacher hasn't done that before?! she didn't have to create a huge-ass scene at the centre when i wasn't there, complain to the head about me, AND, after all that, humbly walk in today to confirm the question with me while giving that hypocritical smile, as if she was afraid i'd abuse her daughter after all that hoo-ha. oh, and if that wasn't enough, she stationed a fellow comrade at the door, who stood there, arms folded, legs apart, glaring malevolently at me like some Red Army commander.

yes, people dislike them for reasons other than the fact that they like to twirl their armpit hair (no kidding). and fine, i may be stereotyping and generalising, but when 9 out of 10 of them are like that, its just everyone's natural tendency to assume that all of them are like that.

so bloody pissed off right now. she bring the whole china come find me lah, i not scared. grrr.

2008-03-26T15:03:00.002+08:00

back from hongkong. :D

blogging from work now. reached s'pore last night at 12 plus, slept at 3 plus after packing and stumbled to work after 2 hours plus of sleep. am still in a haze of sheer exhaustion, and it seems surreal, especially while sitting in this bleak office, how only a few hours ago, i was happily trouping the streets of hongkong with its crisp breezes and picturesque red-flowered trees.

will blog more later after i get more sleep and can start uploading photos. especially of what i brought back from hongkong - no hot tvb-actor-lookalikes, unfortunately. :(

2008-03-19T00:22:00.002+08:00

I'm off to the Land of Hot TVB Actors tomorrow. :) its past midnight, i have a morning flight tmr, and i haven't packed; am still doing all the uni stuff, which, according to the caustic remarks i keep hearing, deliberately or not, is kind of futile anyway.

so thank god i'm off to somewhere where a levels are a distant blur and life is all about eating and shopping.

2008-03-15T23:14:00.009+08:00

Went nus open house with smart-friend linny, twisted lavi and boastful jolie. :) Saw throngs of people at the fass talk. Those with 4 a's should just go to their medicine/law/business courses and leave fass for people like me.

& watched koizura. Which is kind of about two horny teenagers, with all that poignant jap-folk music and lingering scenery shots to nullify that typical chick-flick effect and turn it into some reflective arty-farty kind of movie. Which might work at the touching end scenes, but i can't get over the girl's stupidity la, and also cuz i felt really sad when she rejected the other cute guy.

Okay la i cried and so did every girl in the cinema, but its the kind of movie where you have to cry what. The music so touching, and people are dying, how to not cry.

Anyway my sis came back from shanghai today and this is what was on the official departure card. When you start to get really pissed off because all the straight-A's PRCs are vying for all the already-limited uni places, just bask in the sick pleasure of knowing that you can at least string a proper sentence together.

2008-03-12T22:58:00.002+08:00

sometimes when people ask about my results, i laugh it off and say thank god i didn't end up with the 4 U's i predicted. but sometimes i can't find a way to smile about it and i just tell them straight that yeah, i kind of screwed it all up.

funny thing is, either way, i'm not being hypocritical. yeah it's a miracle i managed to pull through. but on the other hand, i'm not supposed to get such grades in the first place. yesterday at tuition, the director happily asked me about It. i told her, with a suitably glum face, that i only managed one A. her face fell in complete shock, but she quickly recovered and brightly said, 'nevermind, rest get B la right.' Right.

looking back, i wondered what possessed me to opt for the science stream when i was obviously mathematically dyslexic. just because 'science gives you more options in uni what', or 'since take in sec school then just take now loh'. more options? yeah, i have a HELL lot of options now with grades like this huh. i was bloody stupid before, but it's over, and i need to move on. bah.

2008-03-08T21:45:00.003+08:00

WHAT MAJOR IS RIGHT FOR YOU?
created with QuizFarm.com

English/Journalism/Comm

100%

French/Spanish/OtherLanguage

81%

Psychology/Sociology

81%

History/Anthropology/LiberalArts

75%

HR/BusinessManagement

69%

PoliticalScience/Philosophy

69%

Visual&PerformingArts

63%

Education/Counseling

56%

Nursing/AthleticTraining/Health

50%

Religion/Theology

44%

Biology/Chemistry/Geology

19%

Accounting/Finance/Marketing

13%

Physics/Engineering/Computer

Mathematics/Statistics

something we all need right now huh. totally expected for mine. i'd rather work at cpf all my life than spend four excruciating years tearing my hair out over differential equations. no, wait, maybe not.

the verdict's out.

2008-03-08T19:46:00.008+08:00

Yep. FINALLY. after like one million and one false alarms.

and i never want to go through this hell again. we came late, thankfully, to avoid all the cheering and watching the smart-7 a's-asses go upstage and all that fanfare. that feeling, omg. the moment ronnie entered school, she said shiyu and i were huddled together, looking pale and shaken, like the lone survivors of some horrific accident. then we entered the hall, amidst scenes of people bawling/screaming tearfully into their phones "A! A! A! B!"/standing dead-still with expressions of sheer trauma on their blood-drained faces. then shiyu started kneeling on the ground like she was overwhelmed by the impact of it all. it was 9-11 all over again, i tell you.

then, huddled together with nessa, we approached mrs lim, who was casually asking us to take goodie bags, completely oblivious of the sheer terror on our faces. and the moment that pink slip of paper was in my hands, i thought 'wth' and opened it and...

don't ask. i guess i improved alot as compared to prelims, but really, if i don't improve from my horrifying prelim results, even some quack university of calcutta won't accept me. so i'm thankful and overwhelmingly relieved that its over, but its not results that i'm proud of as well.

at least it wasn't as drama as during o's when i was in tears even before i received my results and the vp, the mother superior and some other teacher rushed over in alarm and gave me my results without me needing to queue. and the mother superior looked at my results in delight - 'my dear, you are shedding tears of joy!' when i was anything but joyful. yep, results day have always been traumatising for me.

anyway, it's now time to think about HONG KONG on the 19th march with ronnie cynthia and yanqi. 7 glorious days of shopping and dim-sum eating. :)

Its doomsday, yessiree.

2008-03-07T01:04:00.002+08:00

If i don't sleep and spend my night trying to work out the annoying messy interface of facebook while kay-pohing at the same time, maybe tmr will never come.

Oh wtfh. It'll come anyway. I'll sleep now and hope i wake up like 5 months later and everyone will forget that this exam and my screwed up results ever existed.

yes i'm one hell of an escapist at times like this. and i swear more often too.

2008-03-06T16:12:00.003+08:00

just sent my sister off to shanghai while looking wistfully at the planes soaring past the glass walls of T3. what would i give to be able to fly off, now, before The Dreaded Incident of Tomorrow arrives. you know what i mean. saying it out is sheer taboo, since the whole world, especially the aunties at 33rd level, insist on reminding me of It everytime they see me. i tell them, in all seriousness, that if i'm not at work on monday, they will know what happened. and i see a bit of panic in their eyes when they exclaim, 'cannot like that think lah!'

people worry about It because they don't know if they will do well or not. i worry because i dread to see living proof that i did not do well.

its bloody over. sealed in that laminated sheet. bah. i'm all prepared to bawl my eyes out while the rest of the hall cheers, and then try to move on with life.

AND. i will NOT read the papers/watch the news/listen to the radio for around a week after The Dreaded Day just in case reports like last year's 'RJC students cry after not getting 4 A's' start appearing on the front-page news. that might really drive me to go on a mad rampage to annihilate every swotting, straight-A mugger in singapore.

2008-01-25T20:39:00.000+08:00

Since certain people have the luxury of staying at home to blog-surf all day while i slog my guts out at the torture chamber, i will try to update to keep you entertained, ta. btw, there are alot of hot ang mohs at shenton way.

YAY TMR WE'RE GOING OUT AGAIN. =D and the big sister's back with the mother-in-law so we'll be reunited.

work has taken a turn for the better. if all else fails to excite, the only way out is to entertain ourselves i guess. it's kind of harming our sanity cuz i think me and ronnie are going slightly mad and laughing ourselves to death at the stupidest things. but really, you can't blame us. the characters you meet in this building. my colleagues are better now, well, some of them anyway. the rhino's still on heat.

can't say the same for my other job though. tutoring is harder than i thought. especially when your class stares blankly at you throughout the lesson/roll their eyes/look incredulous at everything you say, you just feel like you're really, really lousy. i'm trying okay? no one turns into a terrific teacher overnight.

i'm trying to remember if i'm that sullen and sulky during my sec 3 years, and nooo, i remember asking a hell lot of questions and i thought that really annoyed the teacher but now i would give anything for them to open their mouth for a reason other than gaping at me. thinking back, i'm practically a star student. no wonder i was called back to teach. =D if only they knew how lousy i am now, i would fired in an instant. sniff.

let's hope the primary school class would be better. i don't know how to handle bawling, snivelling kids. but the director warned that alot of them would cry especially during the first lesson. oh no.

i was the sort of student who was described as "a joy to teach" in every report slip leh. really. except in sec 3. and maybe during JC. but still. why is this happening to me now?

2008-01-13T11:21:00.000+08:00

Working now.

I think i'm wasting my precious few months of freedom, if i'm going to uni, working in this job. Yup, the pay sucks, its boring to the core, the only skills i'm learning is how to walk up 6 flights of stairs in heels and to remove staples/press calculator/type meaningless numbers at breakneck speed, everyone in the office looks like they're about to attend a funeral, and i get a certain bug-eyed lady charging at me like a rhino on heat for the most unreasonable reasons.

I can't really blame them. If i were stuck in that dreary office within the confines of the yellowed windows for decades, i would like end up scowling and snapping away at innocent temps too. If you ask me, they should replace the windows to allow everyone to see the 31-storey view of the entire harbour, up our salaries a bit, and the overall effectiveness of the workers would confirm go up.

Pls lah, the way they all take leave puts our pe-ponning ways to shame.

One thing i learnt is to make sure you get a job you love. Either that, or a job that pays well.

What sustains me now is

1) Having ronnie with me at work, and the embarrassingly stupid things we do at the 36th level. Thank god the rest of the staff are too busy gossiping/being zombies/playing games on their computer to notice.

2) Thursday night meetups with the gang. :) Went to hooters, and if you're not ang moh/male, don't expect to be served too well by the busty girls in their skin-tight fluorescent orange fbts.

3) The jiemeis.

Went to watch Body #19 ytd, which provided a hell lot of cheap thrills, some of which are more hilarious than scary e.g. the very unscary female ghost with the goldfish eyes and saggy boobs, the Night At The Museum and The Matrix rip-off scenes. Its practically a spoof. Bleah.

Went to arab street after that. Love the place, it just has that very artistic vibe to it, and everyone there looks so bohemian and its quite fun crab-walking up the precariously steep stairs to find a hidden enclave of gorgeous clothes. We're over shopping malls. :)

Besides that, life everyday is just clock-watching and waiting for the magical hour to arrive, and i can go home and watch my huang jin lu on tv. Let me get my hard-earned money before i decide to move on and do something more worthwhile.

2007-12-25T11:10:00.001+08:00

Yay its xmas. The time of crass commercialism and cheesy carols.

Ytd while doing last minute shopping at orchard road i realised how xmas, for most people, is all about shopping. while i can't really complain cuz i picked stuff for myself along the way (XMAS EVE SALE TOO TEMPTING LAH), it seems as if xmas gives females the chance to shop till they drop, with a reason, while males just tag along, carry the bags and complain. While navigating through the countless ah-noying people who stop suddenly in the crowd, whip out a hp/camera and start snapping away, i was thinking how xmas has suddenly become such a madcap, commercialised affair.

Yeah the shopping is fun and all, but my feet hurts and my back is breaking after two consecutive days at orchard. Indulge in all that urban mall-trouping for a day or two and justify it all by imagining the happiness on the receiver's face the moment they open the present you queued for hours for. But i guess above it all, what i really want for xmas is to spend some quality time with my family and friends. Yup, even more than the sony cybershot i'm dyyinnng for.

Oh well, 4/6 of the jiemeis are celebrating later at my house. yay.

And in a sudden fit of irritation, i suddenly feel like saying, all the money in the world cannot buy good taste. Oh, and humility as well. Not every piece of prada looks fantastic, brand-whore.

But its xmas and i shouldn't bother about the insignificant. =) So, happy holidays!

2007-11-22T19:55:00.000+08:00

THANK GOD IT'S OVER.

I actually feel a bit disoriented now that i have so much time to slack. Before this, it was all those guilt-ridden times of downloading a song or two on my ipod so that 'i can study better with new songs', or going down for a drink and lingering at the tv screen for a while before forcing myself back to the books.

Now it's pure, guilt-free freedom.

Its like cooping a person up in a cave for millions of years and the moment you let him out he gets a bit blinded by the light.

So exciting, can't wait for prom, and post-prom swissotel, and shopping at bangkok, and and, all the roadtrips, and then job-scouting so i can shop and travel somemore...

I need to enjoy more before that dreaded laminated piece of paper comes flying back from cambridge.

2007-07-14T11:43:00.000+08:00

I'm back again, after jcts and after handing in IS first draft, where i got four hours of sleep over the past two days.

IS is crazy:
hours in front of the computer surrounded by pages and pages of research.
travelling across singapore to weed my way into nus library with its new members-only policy.
cultural imperialism and orientalism running through my mind 24/7; before i sleep, in the bus, during lessons, while eating.

I'd better get an A for KI.

Its only the first draft. I predict many sleepless nights ahead.

Oh well. jcts are over, and i scraped through a pass, which was really nothing short of a heavensent miracle, considering how i crammed a year and a half's syllabus in around... two or three panic-stricken, caffeine-laden days. with co now officially over after syf presentation, its time to mug away for prelims. the very first time i can seriously study throughout my jc life.

going to bugis later to get presents for qing gong yan. yup, co is really officially over. in a way i'm happy cuz it's time to finally study, for once, and stop getting grades that put me at a loss whether i should laugh or cry. but i'll really miss co. its not easy i guess, and sometimes when i'm so stressed, seeing everyone being free enough to watch movies or club all day/night and still have time to mug away, and i have to stay in school 24/7, i wonder if i made the right decision staying in co instead of dance, or perhaps some superslack nothing-to-do pdp. without the wonderful people in co - the comm, my crazy section.. well, i wouldn't know what i'd do. and the times we spent together, all those funny gossip sections during sectionals, us getting gwh, the outings with all the comm people, that day during syf presentation. Relationships are sometimes so fragile and easily forgotten - so, yeah, must keep in touch k. Haha, i'm emo-ing away. i'll just miss you all ALOT.

hmmm. on a lighter, less emo note. shiyu spotted her dream prom dress at stamford house, so we went there yesterday. close-up, it wasn't so dream-worthy after all, the lace on it looks a bit ah-ma. but nevertheless, we walked in and stepped into a heavenly boudoir of pretty dresses and glamourous vintage furniture. i guess it's too early to go prom dress shopping, considering i might not be able to get out of TJ alive, but its super fun la! I think we all went mad inside. at first gita tried on this 50's-hollywood-starlet kind of dress, all ruched and figure-hugging, and when she walked out we all went WOW. It looks so nice on her, so glam. and lol, damn sexy too, the back was like so exposed. but all the better for ta right? =)

And seeing ta like that, fen went to try on this peachy-pink flouncy princessy dress. She's so skinny, so she can wear almost anything, but it was so funny seeing her look so sweet and demure suddenly. So unlike someone with such a huge collection of RA jokes. And shiyu tried on this black lace dress, i think its look quite victorian-gothic. Very nice too. And they tried to make me try something on!

And i couldn't find anything. Cuz i felt pai-seh that we were disturbing the salesperson so much, and me in a dress is just.... until the salesperson in her killer stilettos took out this deep purple halter dress, i think the colour and everything looks quite anna sui, and asked me to just try it on. Waaah. I think it's super nice la! Its the last piece somemore. I'd vote the salesperson employee of the month. They gave out free mags too. Maybe it's cuz we were talking quite loudly about coming back with our parents' money, so that they'll serve us better. Lol. And i need to learn how to walk in heels, cuz a few steps in a pair made me look and feel as if i'm walking on stilts. so unglam!

Too bad we didn't and couldn't take photos - or we can show RONNIE. Why didn't you come with us...... we saw ALOT of your type of dresses!!! =((((( those pastel colours type. =((

Then we went to chinatown. Fen tried on this gold cheongsam for racial harmony day. The splits are SUPER high la. Then ta had to leave early and we went to people's park cuz fen wanted to look for cheap topshop-lookalike skinny jeans. On the 2nd and 3rd level we discovered quite alot of nice shops. Very like bugis street, only in there you can actually breathe. Yup, alot alot alot of cheap stuff. Going to such places is so much better than malls, where everything is overpriced and generic. Next stop, arab street and ann siang road. Attendance is compulsory k! =)

And i want to be skinny enough to wear skinny jeans. =( Lol.

Oh well, going out now. bye.

2007-06-13T23:06:00.000+08:00

Reading this from dear hannie's blog made me feel all nostalgic again. Looking at those stupid pictures i drew during every single lesson besides english and lit, the both of us managing to pass our o's was nothing short of a heaven-sent miracle.

But looking at it all in its full technicolour detail makes me feel like laughing again, although it probably seems completely nonsensical, sometimes bordering on major innuendos and super-random crap. Were we really that bored, i wonder. I guess what i remember most is:

Hannie and me doing up a meticulous, highly detailed, 3-page career-plan chart, starting from a french-fry fryer at mac's and slowly working our way up the corporate ladder. Cuz we were pretty sure all our lessontime doodling would end up in F9s for o's. Thinking back, all the time we spent drafting such career plans could be used to actually pay attention for once.
LIM BEY BEY. Who could ever forget her and her sexy one-pitch voice and suggestive smiles.
The crazy Bangla Club. Where we all spoke in convincing Bangla accents 24/7.
And our band, Pooja and the Flying Doves. With our very own theme song and back-up dancers wriggling their hips away during lessons.
The horrible R21 story about KK+MM, still in that small notebook of jolie's.
And the horrible R21 couple - jolie and nessa. With jolie cradling her ermmm, ample assets lovingly, while singing tenderly to them. ROFL.
Our gang. =) Gossiping away during chinese lessons, and occasionally stopping to hear good old ah heng talk about her heyday when she was flooded with suitors. And her dramatic elopement with her Christian Boy.

I miss my crazy sitting partner too! Those madcap days in our classroom next to the smelly longkang. With our empty goldfish bowls, still filled to the brim with water and seaweed, perched precariously on the speakers above the whiteboard. Just to give the impression of a class pet, which were all mercilessly killed by us and probably the high altitude.

Sometimes i wish i can go back to those insouciant convent-school days. I guess going off to jc made us all grow up alot, which is unavoidable, but sometimes i think i'd rather remain in Neverland where things aren't so complicated and emotions are never in a tangle and people are more what-you-see-is-what-you-get. But having said that, jc's a different rollercoaster of experiences all over again, and i won't miss it for anything too. =) Why does every single entry here have an emo rant. I guess i only blog when i'm have emotions huh, or else i would be stoning/watching yuan dian, when i don't need emotions, just my EYES, all the better to see with. =D

Anyway. Although co camp was around a week ago, i couldn't resist putting this up, from our nightwalk.

IT'S SUPER FREAKY RIGHT. To me, at least. That's my bloodified, raw-skin-like hand - me and bixia perfecting our Tale of Two Sisters act. Thinking back, i feel so brave. =D I usually get goosebumps just looking at the deserted third floor of the science lab block in the day. but that night, at the ungodly hour of 3am, i actually managed to be there in the dark, under a table covered with red cloth, with candles glowing eerily around, while I soaked my hand in ice-water and grabbed people's legs.

That's junhong with his glow-in-the-dark face paint. Its looks like cucumber clay mask in the light. But in the dark...

Look closely. Imagine walking in the pitch blackness and suddenly seeing a small, glowing, disembodied face grinning at you.

Its the stuff horror movies are made of, i tell you. =D

Oh well. Back to the books.

2007-06-10T01:11:00.000+08:00

my life has been terribly interesting of late.

finally, being at home all day means i'm able to be a huge couch potato and now i'm hooked unto the 7pm channel 8 show, yuan dian, just when it's about to end. so i'm hooked unto watching the beginning of it on youtube. and i'm hooked unto the show in particular cuz, besides the quite-interesting plot, i'm quite hooked unto shaun chen and lin yu zhong. and this is the first time in a million years i'm actually hooked unto a local drama, i feel like a bored housewife with nothing better to do. before i know it, i will be going to video-ezy to rent auntie-type 100-plus-episode dramas like zhen qing and pi li huo (remember them?), and spend my days plucking towgay in front of the tv.

the thing is, i have alot of better things to do e.g. studying for jcts which is in two sickening weeks, but i'm not doing them. i'm just watching my yuan dian, and sleeping often and at ungodly hours. and this irregular sleep cycle is driving my biological clock wild, so i'm breaking out disgustingly, and at this very moment i can feel a megagargartuan zit erupting.

the only highlight of my exciting life is co gathering today. supposedly, three generations of comm people, but only a handful of the first 2 generations turned up. the girls shopped while the guys arcade-d, like usual; we all had a bit of a gossip, like usual, and then took full advantage of cartel's after-9 discount on cakes, and ordered one of each type. =) ultimate sin. oh, and plus the free bread.

and i'm just too bored to do anything but blog about my highly glamourous life. becoming a bona fide auntie, getting breakouts, and then getting fat. no, fatter. plus the fact that i'm about to screw a levels up, in about 20 years' time, i can so imagine myself, how wonderfully glam.

OKAY LA. that's it. i will NOT touch my computer tomorrow. i will drape the anti-dust cloth over it to prevent the tempting lure of the blank monitor begging to be switched on. i will study for my jcts, so that even if i become a fat mor-peng auntie, i'll be rich enough to afford a vip membership to video-ezy and a home theatre system, and stop watching shaun chen from the annoying blurry tiny youtube screen.

2007-06-06T21:13:00.000+08:00

freedom is, surprisingly, getting to me. i feel like such a slob, waking up at almost 12 everyday, sleeping the afternoon away, and then eating and returning to bed again. guess the sleep debt i accummulated over the past 3 months or so is finally being paid off. and i'm too lazy to get much studying done - just spent hours clearing my megaenormoushugegargartuan pile of notes, which was quite an accomplishment, considering i spent the past few days on a couch potato tv marathon. looking at the work i have not done, i'm quite sure to flunk my jcts with flying colours.

oh. my a's too.

oh well, i guess i kind of got over my anger, cuz maybe it's really not worth getting highly strung over this. let people say whatever they want, i don't really care anymore. in fact, in my current state of mind, i don't really care about anything else already, but my impending doom in 19 days' time. all that drama's over.

sigh. i just wish i was there for the final heart-to-heart with the comm girls, instead of outside for another heart-to-heart. dunno, i just feel it's our last opportunity to really talk, and i missed it. =( people come and go into your life really quickly, i realise. and some might have left a long time ago already, just that i was too blind to see.

okay la. enough emo-ing and regretting. guess the prospect of spending the next 19 days, and the next 5 months, in a mind-numbing state of mugging is making me reallyreallyreally sian. and being stuck at home in front of the tv, getting fat on nutella and pringles, and the most interesting event happening to me is watching a certain hot guy get booted from campus superstar - this life is getting to me. i miss being in a madcap rush.

2007-06-03T23:35:00.000+08:00

co camp over, hustings over, new comm announced, and somehow i feel a bit sad. in a way, i keep thinking, if i could turn back time, perhaps i would have really done a better job. but oh well, i did my best and i'm happy to be free again. and i'll miss everyone. okay. certain people.

oh well. more cryptic entries that no one would understand but me. somehow blogging is an emotional catharsis for me, quite unlike the usual event-logging kind of blogging. but i think no one reads this but me, so it's okay. its just for venting.

people always tell me i'm too nice, and that's a very dangerous thing to be. but i never saw it that way, until recently. it was like slapping me, reminding me that this world is not as simple as i always assumed it to be. all along, i thought it very logical that as long as you're nice to people, people will be nice to you too. i guess not. its not just one single incident. its a string of lessons in a row.

it may not be a really huge thing, but i didn't do anything to you. i wasn't even that close to you, for goodness sake. maybe i'm not much good at many things, but i'm sure of one thing - if i don't have anything good to say, i won't say it. i'm not like certain people who talk alot and act smart but every single word that comes out from their mouth is pure gibberish. so i don't deserve that bit of bitching from you.

and i swear i HATE it when people gossip about me when they don't know any effing thing about my life. at least get the facts right before you start gossiping, cuz you don't know when it can escalate into something bigger, like it just did. seriously, GET A LIFE, instead of talking about mine.

and some things really confuse me now. i guess all along, i just listened to everything from your side, and i believed you. now i'm not sure what, or who to believe. and i'm even sure whether i want to know the truth now. it's supposed to be in the past, so i should just forget about it - its just that it keeps coming back, over and over again. i guess i just want to know what really happened, but i don't know how, or if i should. i guess sometimes all this just reminds me how hard it is to trust someone.

people can be such imbeciles.

2007-05-28T00:01:00.000+08:00

chamber's concert pas de deux is just over, and it wasn't as disastrous as i imagined it to be; considering we only had a week to practise, i was expecting myself to put up an entire mime out there. but we didn't, and i think the entire experience was good. =)

thanks for the flowers, the support, and to rannald - for having faith in us chamber noobs.

syf over. co concert over. chamber concert over. once june camp is over, i'll be free and all geared up for serious mugging. i can hardly wait.

2007-05-06T22:25:00.000+08:00

Four days to syf, thirteen to co concert, and twenty-one to strings concert, which i haven't been to a single practice just yet. And about a month left till the 2nd week of june, when i am finally free to study my brains off.

Four days. It scares me just to think about it, how months and months of hard work, sacrifices and tears all cumulate in that 15 minutes onstage. One careless note, or screwed up bowing, and it can all be over.

But my section rocks, and i know we can do this together, and only go uphill from here.

Went to pa for prac on saturday, and we practised in this uber cool black box of a dance studio.

... and started phototaking, and pianoplaying, and kboxing, and massdancing....

Everyday is just lessons-co-sleep, and my mind is nothing but co and sleep. Yup, I totally have no life. I realised that with startling clarity when i stepped into the hall during mumbo nite on friday, and among the throng of glitter and colour and retro glamness, we felt conspicuously out of place, holding files and looking super unglam in uniform. Friday is still forgivable, it's a weekday after all, but coming for lu yuan on a saturday, at night, in uniform, and having been in it since 7 plus in the morning, and being super drained with the strains of bar 11 running through my mind endlessly, yup, i officially have no life. and the only people in the audience in uni were all fellow CO-ers, so obviously we've all been mugging for syf, and at least we're in this together.

Oh well. I'm almost never out of uniform this year, which shows how often i'm in school and the extent of excitement in my life. Somehow i don't even have the time and energy to even think about studies now, much less other things. And that might be a good thing after all, living life like a robot programmed to only wake up, stone during lessons, play the cello, and then go back to sleep. I don't really have to think about things i don't want to.

But i'm human after all, perhaps unfortunately. And all this is making me highly strung, and very irritable, with minor things such as incompetent mcdonalds' staff making me angry enough to slam a cheeseburger on the table. I used to be able to not care about such things.

But i guess all i need is 8 hours of sleep, and a double-chocolate cookie from subway, and then a slow walk home along the boardwalk next to the sea, under the sun, and ice-cream. Which i got today, so i guess i felt slightly better than before, but i mostly blog when i'm unhappy, so i guess not really.

All these stress and everything, i can deal with. Its those intangible, small, but significant stuff i have no control over, that is really getting to me.

2007-04-15T11:19:00.000+08:00

I'm a bubble. This is hilarious. I thought i was cynical.

2007-04-15T10:25:00.000+08:00

simpang-ed with the gang yesterday. nothing changed much, they're still as lovable as ever. =) and it brought me back to those cornflower blue and white uniformed days which now seem so faraway and with that secondary-school insouciance i can never get back.

if i could i would live in neverland forever.

because growing up and facing reality seem to involve a hell lot of disappointments.

2007-04-05T19:48:00.000+08:00

TGIF. Really. Especially when it's a holiday. =)

After this week, i realised how lethal hormones can be. =X

It can throw you into this hazy state of pure depression. Because of the smallest, most insignificant of things.

But oh well. In that state of mind, when all i want to do all day is to bury myself under the blanket, sleep, and never ever wake up... I guess it can drive me nuts when everywhere i turn, i reach a dead end.

Its difficult to keep smiling when
some people don't understand.
some people don't even care to understand.
some people keep telling you not to create problems when all you've been doing is to try to stifle all your problems to lessen their worries. and let's not forget
some people who are the ones causing ALL the problems and acting as if the world owes them a living.
and some people who just makes me want to punch them in the eye.

2007-04-03T11:21:00.000+08:00

Take me up a ferris wheel,
We can trace the city's lights.
Spin me round and round a carousel,
Sprinkle gold dust in my night.
Walk me through white stone pavillions,
And fields of pink-tipped lilies.
Search for constellations in the sky,
See them reflected in the seven seas.
When its snowing cherry blossoms,
I'll let you take my hand.
Let's climb the Eiffel Tower,
And never, ever want to descend.
But to make me smile,
There isn't much you have to do.
I don't need a ticket to Paris,
I just need me, and you.
We can walk home under the streetlights,
Midas will still touch the air.
Count the stars wherever we are,
Take me to the neighbourhood fair.
Wait for me when its dark outside,
Stay with me till the first morning glare.
You don't have to do anything else,
But let me know that you care.

2007-04-01T02:24:00.000+08:00

The only thing that can make me smile now is a getaway to some mediterrenean island where no one knows me, and the night skies aren't polluted by light, so i can see the entire constellation scattered on it, the milky way sprayed across like frosting on cake, and i can spend the entire night counting them and never run out of stars.

instead of the one or two stars i always see blinking weakly.

because star-filled skies have this therapeutic effect that nothing else in this world offers. and i could do with some therapy right now. =(

i think no one cares.

2007-03-29T21:43:00.000+08:00

on second thoughts. after that outburst.

i was thinking, if there's really such thing as reincarnation, perhaps it's not such a good idea to come back human.

it sounds so korean-drama cliche, but its good to come back as a tree.

you just stand there, tall and sturdy, watching the world go by, watching people get hurt, cry, even die - but knowing, perhaps with a certain smugness, that you would never have to go through all this crap humans go through. you don't have to force yourself to smile, or force yourself not to cry, you don't have stupid responsibilities except for photosynthesising, you don't have to deal with other people unless its some other tree snatching sunlight from you, or some annoying human trying to cut you down, but that's kind of beyond your control anyway so all you have to do in life is to just stand there. and the best part is, even by standing there, you are useful all your life - you convert carbon dioxide into oxygen, you provide shade, and timber when you die, and places for swings and hammocks and children to climb.

humans can't even do that. we are the ones getting hurt, crying and dying while the trees look on. we have to put on stupid masks, and take on stupid responsibilities that we don't want to, and we deal with other equally difficult humans every minute, every day of our lives. and our responsibilities don't even do much to help mankind, at least trees help the earth by photosynthesising, we're just helping ourselves all the time. that's how selfish we are. and because so many things are seemingly within our control, we spend all our lives trying to change what we can't change. AND. the best part is, sometimes some of us are are completely useless all our lives. we don't do anything but use up the already-depleting resources in this world.

sometimes, no, MANY times, i think i'm one of those people. so i'd rather come back as a tree. for once i can be useful. and no stupid rollercoaster of emotions, nothing.

some people will argue that trees can't love, and all that crap about how humans experience so much more. bahh. who says tree can't love... this sounds so environmentally friendly, but trees do good for everyone, that's better than what people call love, which is simply selfish, and very, very, very fragile. i'm not being cynical, i can't help thinking that when its happening all around me, to everyone.

and the only person in the universe who reads this is the only person who knows what i mean. =(

2007-03-29T21:37:00.000+08:00

somehow, sometimes, i think i'm reaching the end of my threshold.

and the best part is, through all this, i have to smile and pretend to be happy and hyped up when all i want to do is bury myself in my bed and sleep forever and not give a damn about this stupid world and all its injustice and cruelty.

i think i'm talking to myself here but that's the good part. cuz it makes me feel more alone, and since that's impossible, at least i have somewhere to vent it all out.

2007-03-23T01:12:00.000+08:00

I was just thinking while observing the world around me.

And reading The Wedding by Nicholas Sparks, which is so wonderfully romantic. =) Swans apparently mate for life. And you know you always come across stories in the papers about how dogs are willing to sacrifice their lives for their owners. Sometimes you get the feeling that humans should be ashamed of ourselves.

Anyway. You know when you want something, the mere sight of that thing is enough to send that wonderful feeling of adrenaline and sheer happiness running through your veins. But when you already got that thing, somehow you don't appreciate it that much anymore. So most people would rather be happy than nonchalant. And if that's the case, then wouldn't you rather not get anything? But there's no logic in that too.

Oh well. The world doesn't make much sense in the first place.

People don't make sense too. Sometimes when you see someone doing something BEYOND stupid, you wonder what must they be thinking.

Another random, cryptic entry.

2007-02-15T21:02:00.000+08:00

YAYY. got out of road run cuz co's performing. at least no one would find my sweaty, fugly-alpha-house-teed corpse at lucky heights tomorrow. =D

oh well. v-day's just over. its funny walking in the streets and seeing the rest of the world clutching bouquets and looking all starry-eyed. it's just v-day. quite a happy one for me, but still. its just another day. there's so much hype about it, the love-is-in-the-air spirit and all and then the next day it's all gone and people are sulkily briskwalking home by themselves again. okay. nevermind. i'm being cynical once again.

oh well. i'm tired but hey, after road run tmr, which i happily wormed my way out of, its the holidays, AT LAST. getting fat on pineapple tarts and bak kwa and getting rich again and hearing the same old questions again. for the last time, no, i didn't get skinnier, I WISH, and yes, my younger sister is taller than me, I KNOW, and no, i do not have a boyfriend. All that entertaining to do once again. I guess i do miss some of them though, we can sit by the swings and talk about normal stuff while the adults heartily discuss politics and the latest scandal.

i'm gonna sleep now, i think. perpetually tired and very, very easily annoyed. =X raahhh.

thanks for everything too. =)

and that species. they can never be trusted. bah.

2007-02-12T12:36:00.000+08:00

wahh, damn sian. go green day robbed me of what could have been a wonderfully indolent sunday, but noo, it was spent trudging up and down in the blistering heat with a very limited supply of newater.

it's only 8.35 and i think i'm going to forget about having dinner and for once, go to sleep and not be awaken by the inevitable annoying whine of the alarm. anyway the rest of the world is out there having a life, so i shall end this pathetic entry of mine and snooze the night away.

how exciting. =)

some things seem so long ago but a million lightyears later, it seems i'm still back at aquare one.

=))

2007-02-10T01:01:00.000+08:00

I'm back to blogspot! =))